My biggest fear

Note: Day 8 of the #Trust30 initiative.

Despite my attitude of overcoming fear, there is one prevailing fear that still plagues me:

I’m afraid that I’m too lazy to accomplish anything of lasting value in my life.

I’m not always lazy. When I have a goal and some sense I can accomplish it, I can tear it up. When I’m fully engaged, I will happily work 18-hour days. But lately, I spend so much time avoiding the starting of anything by picking at Twitter or catching up on RSS feeds that I suddenly realize it’s past 1 AM and it’s time to go to bed with nothing accomplished.

I’m afraid I’ve become an infovore fraud that only talks about amazing things and never does them.

I like to nibble on the periphery of the startup scene. Where’s my startup?

I hang out with programmers and rarely miss a Ruby Users Group. Where’s my great Ruby contribution?

I love to write and tell stories. Where’s my screenplay?

Is it true that if I were going to accomplish anything of significance by now, I’d have already have a history of accomplishment?

I have 5 or 6 side projects competing for my attention, and I can’t seem to devote enough time to any of them to put a dent in them, much less the universe.

The only way I see a path forward is to bail on all of these projects, for now, to work on the one thing that captivates my attention at the moment, and hope that I get back into the groove of creation. I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get my mojo back otherwise.

I like to imagine I have the internal fortitude to do something great like _why, Greg Brown, or Wayne Seguin. But as it stands now, I don’t even know how to get on the track that leads there.

My second biggest fear is that you’ll find out about me.

I care a lot about what people think of me. So whatever you do, please don’t discover that I’m actually a pretend programmer, a fake advisor, and a blind consumer.

  • Diego Villasenor

    I also had a similar problem. I would always talk about how the latest top game on the app store had simple mechanics, was fun, and sold like crazy.

    It took me about a year of telling people I was learning to actually get started. The thing though, is that I only found motivation when someone else was excited with me. This person was a friend who also wanted to make a game and is currently my artist. Only after then I was able to push myself because I was working along someone else.

    It took me about a good year to start but I don’t regret it. Now that I have this groove, I plan on making up for lost time and going to try and complete this project within this summer.

    Good luck! I wish you the best. It’s just about finding your motivation. Once you got it, you’ll be unstoppable.